I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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