that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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