Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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