after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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