You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Im part way to drunk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
