Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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