I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
