hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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