I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
