are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
