I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't want my vagina anymore.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
