Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
