is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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