So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
