You just made me feel so damn special
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
