just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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