Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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