Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
