i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
