it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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