I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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