i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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