I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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