Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
