I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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