She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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