You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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