at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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