Plan B is the new Plan A
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
