One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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