I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
