I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if only i could text you this smell
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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