I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
