Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
