a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
His nipple licking is glorious
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