I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
