So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
