Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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