Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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