At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
