think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
