we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
