I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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