Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am naked and annoyed.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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