Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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