You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
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she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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