Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
