You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
