Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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