I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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