walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
