Can i not drive my cunt home
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
