My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
