NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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