He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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