My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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