I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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