I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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