please come you make the beer taste better
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
